I am ok, I am good, I will survive

2019.. yes, we are in 2019 and before I write about anything else I should probably write about the biggest impact on me this year.

It isn't easy to write or talk about this event and recognize it really had a very big impact on me. I am not a person who likes trauma or to dramatize, I always try to find the positive things and stay on the positive side of life, however, yes, we should not ignore either the negative side of life or pretend is not there and it does not affect us.

I had a car crash, my head hit the board, my boyfriend had his back hit, we were both driven to the emergency room and my car is total damage. I usually say all these and also continue with we are good, we are healthy, nothing is wrong. This is very much true, we are healthy and I give thanks every day for this. Still, at least for me it was a trauma that really affected me and that I chose to ignore and say it wasn't a big deal, physically we are all good.

So even if physically I recovered very quickly, it did affect me, it is my first accident of such nature and it was traumatizing. The police men and the medics said they have accidents every week in that part of the road. It is in a descending curb with very low visibility where you are allowed to also turn left before it finishes. When we entered the curb, we saw 400 m in front of us the other cars stopped waiting on the one in the front to turn left. My boyfriend hit the break to the ground and we both were breathless, waiting for the car to stop before we would hit the car in front of us. Even if it was also slippery on the ground we managed to stop on time for 2 seconds.. after which the car coming behind us hit us hard, pushing us in the next car and the next car in the other car in front and so on.

After my head hit the board and we recovered, first thing I did was look in the mirror and I saw I did not have much damage, all I said was 'I am ok, it will probably bruise, but I am ok'. I was relieved that my boyfriend was also fine, he did not look to have any bruise. He got out of the car first and went to talk with the guy that hit us. After gathering my self, I also went out and first thing I did was to look at the car, the feeling I had and I ignored for more than one month was that my heart broke.. I know it is just a piece of steel and I am so grateful that we are fine and we don't have any physical damage, but still that little car was my first car and together with it I had so many memories. But I ignored the feeling, I did not even listen to it one second, all I said was 'How will we make it back now' because we were almost 400km away from our home.

I was waiting for my boyfriend to finish discussing and settling the matter with the other drivers when he came back to the car and said 'My back is starting to hurt, I called the ambulance' and that was when my heart really stopped and although I still walked and talked, I felt empty. I shut down all the emotions I could in order to be able to remain rational. I was telling a friend what happened, but I had no emotion, I was like a machine, a robot. When the ambulance came, we were both taken. Seeing my boyfriend put on the stretcher was terrifying, I only felt like that twice before in my life, when I saw my dad in the hospital after he had a vascular accident and another time when my mom was in the hospital because of heart problems. Although everything was so overwhelming, I was feeling like I was part of a movie, asking my self 'is this really happening, it can't be' and at the same time I was just praying and hoping the doctors will say we are ok, nothing is wrong.

And I know this things happen every day in some part of the world and there are even worse things happening even at the moment I write this and this isn't ok. Life is difficult and complicated even without war, murders or any such kind of traumatic accidents.

I give such thanks for the moment the doctors said we are ok, we just have some bruises but we will recover and we can go home.

We were both so numb and we needed to figure out how we are going to get home. We managed to get through this situation with the help of a lot of people, some that may have just been doing their jobs, nothing else, but still, for me this shows how important it is to do your job well, with responsibility and a touch of humanity.

I give thanks to all these people and to God that we are good and safe now and pray for all the people going through difficult moments. We need to help each other and let God work through us.

My car is now at the car cemetery and being taken apart and, again, even if it is just some steel, it was my steel for almost 5 years. And I know, nothing is lost, everything is transformed and her remaining parts will help other cars and I will renew it. And I know even if it is just a piece of steel, now being taken apart, it knows how much I appreciated it and how much joy it had brought to me and it will always remain in my memory forever and I will recall with joy all the beautiful moments, especially the times when in winter I was always finding abstract art done on it by teenagers from the neighborhood.

Bye, bye little gray rabbit!

Let go of things not in your control, but without ignoring your true feeling.

Just recognize and let go.